Christmas Is . . . Hard
Christmas used to be my favorite time of year. When I was a kid, my mom would decorate the entire house the day after Thanksgiving. We had special pillows, blankets, cups, plates, an old Santa cookie jar with the words Bon Appetite on his butt. We decorated the tree with a mix of ornaments, old and new. Many of which I made with my limited artistic ability as a child, and which only a parent could love. I was the kid that would wake my parents up as early as I could on Christmas morning to run downstairs and start opening presents. Even though I had been shaking packages and trying to read through the wrapping paper for weeks by that point, I still usually had no idea what I was getting. We moved around a lot when I was a kid and no matter where we were or what was going on in our lives Christmas was always warm, festive, and joyful.
I look back on those times of my childhood with a smile, especially when I pull out my old family photo albums and see the crazy velvet dresses and stockings my parents put me in, or the photo of me and my brother on Santa’s lap where I am screaming.
Christmas looks a lot different for me now. In fact it is often the hardest time of year for me.
I think it all goes back to when I was in middle school, and my grandparents started to get sick. Everyone has to deal with their grandparents passing, but I think I had to deal with it a bit sooner than most. My grandfather passed away a few hours after his 90th birthday party, and my grandmother followed 6 months later, passing away the day after Christmas. That was the first time I personally experienced the death of a loved one, and it left an imprint on my heart that would never go away.
The next few years of my life would pass without incident. I completed high school and started college and was enjoying my life more than ever before. I was getting ready to graduate and deciding where to move after college. Then my mom passed away unexpectedly. On Halloween.
My world shattered, I honestly don’t know how I made it through the following 2 months of classes. As hard as it was, life went on. I graduated, I moved home to spend time with my dad and life eventually got back to a new type of normal. Then 5 years after mom, my dad started to have health problems. And then he passed away on December 20th, 5 days before Christmas.
Birthdays.
Christmas.
Halloween.
Mother’s Day.
Father’s Day.
It started to feel like there was no holiday or celebration that was safe.
When I think of holidays now, they all have so many different memories than when I was a kid. Sometimes the good memories overpower the bad, but more often than not the holiday season, starting with Halloween until the end of the year, is just a series of days of me trying to keep my head above water. Of trying to hang on to the good, to find the joy wherever I can see it. Time has made it easier, but it never will go back to what it was like when I was a child.
I have always felt fortunate that during both my mom’s and dad’s deaths, God pointed out specific verses in the Bible for my heart to cling to. I’ve always considered myself a writer so words have always been the best way for my head and heart to communicate as well as to learn.
The day before my dad passed away I heard a verse, and it impacted me so much that I emailed it to myself, not knowing that I would need it less than 24 hours later. I still have the email in my inbox. I can’t bring myself to delete it. Because God knew that day what I needed. Amidst all that was going on in the world, and all the things happening that seemed bigger than me and my circumstances, God saw me in my pain. He saw me and reached out to me in the way that He created my heart to understand. I might have felt alone, a brand new orphan in the world, but He reminded me that no matter what, I am His.
The verse was "To all who mourn He will give a crown of beauty in the place of ashes, gladness instead of sorrow, a spirit of praise instead of heaviness. They will be like great oak trees that are strong. That will show how glorious He is." - Isaiah 61:3
I honestly can’t remember where I saw or heard this verse, or even what version of the Bible it is from, but I know that it was one of God’s gifts to me in that impossible season of life.
Holidays are hard.
It’s cold, the days are short and dark. Being on social media seeing everyone’s happy smiling and whole families gathered around the Christmas tree in matching pajamas can make my heart cry out for how different my holiday season looks now.
But, I have hope. I remind myself that while Christmas is about family, food, fun, presents, decorations, etc. that it is truly about the birth of Jesus Christ, God’s gift of His human son for the sins of all mankind.
When I feel alone, like I am the only person in the world that wants the holidays to pass as quickly as possible, I remind myself that God loved me so much He sent me Jesus. Then I remember that I am never truly alone in my grief because God has experienced it too.
If you too are struggling with sorrow this holiday season, just know that you are not alone.
Not by a long shot. In fact I would venture to guess that we are all around you. In the line at Starbucks before work, on the train scrolling through Instagram, in the break room listening to everyone else’s fun holiday plans, picking out gifts at the mall, etc.
So make sure to be extra kind to everyone you see this holiday season. You never know what someone else’s story may be.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Sarah Larson was born in California and moved around a bit until ending up in Philly back in 2014. She grew up a self proclaimed bookworm and has enjoyed reading ever since her 3rd grade teacher let her devour every Nancy Drew book the classroom shelf had to offer. After studying Literature and History in college Sarah ended up using her reading, writing, and storytelling skills in the Communications department for a non-profit in Center City. She loves exploring different parts of the Wissahickon Valley Park, listening to new crime podcasts, and a good chai tea latte.